Relationships

Relationship Boundaries: Are We Dating?

By on January 23, 2018

I believe there should be a process to this relationship thing. I had to battle with the difference between dating and being in a relationship at a point in my life. They’re technically the same right? Maybe relationship is quite general. I wasn’t sure what stages are there before we move up the notch and get really serious.

In this post I’m addressing relationship boundaries with my experience. I’ve dated a whole lot of guys (I think) in my short period of living and this comes with a truck load of ‘I wish…’ followed up by negatives.

My mind decided to bring forward a forgotten file in my relationship diary. A young girl that attracted a young guy that walks up to her and tell her he likes her. He ends up getting her number and calling her before the end of that day to have their first outing.

I wasn’t looking for a relationship and I’m sure I just left one around the time. I sincerely wasn’t interested. I love making new friends, he likes me, so we can be friends first. So I thought.

This outing was filled with questions (which I expected) since most guys don’t know how to hold a conversation without asking questions. Painful part is, you try to be more detailed in order to get him to do the same but the answers ends up being brief with, “….there’s really nothing to say, with time you’ll get to know me.” (Boring!)

With this guy, there was a good chance we could make good friends. He looked kind. We talked days after that with constant requests to see me. Then the night where he really wanted to hold my hand came up (in my head I was like, 👎) we haven’t gotten there.

He didn’t ask me out, he only said he liked me. He didn’t even say we should be friends, he only told me he didn’t really have friends. So, I had to keep asking myself, “why am I seeing this guy anyway?”

We were friends (I thought) but then I liked him. I wanted to see how this would play out, maybe I’ll like him enough to date him when he’s ready to ask me to take it further.

I should have gotten the hint when he eventually got to hold my hand and put his hands on my shoulders. Some of my male friends do that but… Mr. started investing in the ‘relationship’ and buying me things frequently.

Then the part that got me staggering was the conversation we had a month later. He said he was sure I was his wife, that he has prayed… His confidence deserves an applause because I was convinced he knew what he was saying.

Well, for some reason I believed him because I was so sad. Like I felt God had disappointed me with this guy. Ah! Is this all God has to offer me? He kept talking and painting pictures that I couldn’t see.

Are we not going to date first? He was all about marriage and how he can’t wait to ‘do the right thing’. I didn’t know what to say, so I settled for, “I’ll pray about it.” Ah! Pray indeed.

Fast forward, he invited me to his church for a camp program . An ‘opportunity’ to ‘pray’ about things. Alas! It was a set up.

I found myself attending programs alone and practically not seeing him. When I did, it was really brief. When he attended programs with me, he ends up sleeping off on my shoulder. Most of the time, I felt played by God. What’s going on here?

He introduced me to his cousin, though I didn’t understand the introduction. Few jokes here and there, that was it. Until later that day, his ‘cousin’ called me to end up asking me out later that night. Apparently, they were not blood related.

mistakes-bloggerHe took me to his family within the camp and in few minutes, I was asked to go on my knees to great my in-laws. I knelt for every member of his family and was presented as the ‘wife to be’. They were even trying to pick the job I’ll do when I ‘enter their house’.

That scared a whole lot out of me. What does this mean? Do I get to be asked questions on what I want or if I’m even interested in being a girlfriend? I panicked.

It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal but as a Yoruba girl, everything is sort of a big deal traditionally. Suddenly, I felt scammed. I have a say in all this for Pete’s sake. Why would I allow some guy make me feel he dictates what happens between us? I received sense enough to play along until the program ended.

Can’t remember how he got my Mum’s number but he became a pest. He called my mum to ask why I stopped picking his calls. Like a husband to be to his mother in-law 😂

My mum was petrified by the persistence of the calls. Eventually I had to get him off my mothers neck. I asked him, “Are we dating?” He said, “Yes, of course. Why would I introduce you to my family?”

“When did you ask me to date you?”

“I told you what God told me…” he said.

I wasn’t going to have him pull God into this unnecessary conversation. Long and short, I had to get him out of my life. I couldn’t get over the kneeling for his family part, I was super embarrassed.

Define your relationships. Don’t assume and don’t let the guy assume. Let everything be as plain as day, that way you can monitor what’s really going on.

Do you have any weird experience like this, leave comments below.

Till I write to you again,

Lots of love,

Temitoria.

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23 Comments
  1. Reply

    Tony Michele

    February 4, 2018

    What is this?
    Lol. Nothing like boundaries and clear cut definitions, statements or questions to put to bed any assumptions.

    • Reply

      Temitoria

      February 4, 2018

      Hmmm… I’ll like to know why you think so Tony

      • Reply

        Tony Michele

        February 4, 2018

        Some things in this life are subjective. Especially when people are involved. I think in some of these things – dating/relationship, people’s definitions differ and their boundaries or definition of it differs. Asking clear cut questions instead of making assumptions consciously or unconsciously is required, no matter how unnecessary it might seem.

        Of course, this assumes that people always say what they mean and mean what they say. Human beings, lol ‍♂️.

        I hope this makes sense.

        • Reply

          Temitoria

          February 5, 2018

          Yes it does. Thanks

  2. Reply

    Oluchi

    February 4, 2018

    Something similar happened with me, not as deep as yours but a misconstrued situation too. So I’ve learnt to define every single relationship and not lead myself on.

    I had this male friend that took an interest in me, but never really asked me out. Which was confusing because he took me to “important events” that I thought had real meaning. Colleagues baby showers, introducing me to work married friends, taking me to 50th birthday celebration of brother-in-law where he knew his entire extended family would be present and he’d introduce me, parties…

    And all the while he never asked me out or said anything portraying affection for me. One day he just stopped calling, with no explanation, and not picking my calls, or picking but holding me up for later.

    Months later I run into him at places and he exclaims his “hi” and try to catch up like I was some old friend that …I really did not understand.

    And when I asked what went wrong, he’d evade it or mutter something about discussing later. And then we part and never hear from each other as per usual. I still see him around and we’d wave at each other. Too awkward for me because even though I didn’t like him that way, I was comfortable with him and I enjoyed his company. And I gave him my time.

    REALLY EMBARRASSING FOR ME.

    Idle head
    Ask Me Out Already

    • Reply

      Temitoria

      February 4, 2018

      The guy was a scam. He was trying to eat his cake and have it. Don’t mind him
      Thanks for stopping by Oluchi.

  3. Reply

    Awala Peter

    January 27, 2018

    Hi Temi
    Interesting article and perspective to the issue of dating and relationship.

    However I must say that it is important to reiterate certain salient points.
    1). The part way to a successful relationship is a process that begins with being friends: as this stage it allows you the opportunity to study one another, develop perfect communication skills and understanding,
    2). Secondly, dating is tricky as going on dates does really mean being in a relationship with a lady or a guy. Traditionally, ‘dating’ means ‘going on dates’, ‘Dating someone’ means you are seeing someone specific, with purpose and on regular basis. It is important to stress that the purpose is not as defined in terms of direction as a relationship. One of the analogies I use in differentiating ‘dating’ and ‘ relationship’ is scalar and vector quantities principle in physics. Dating is a scalar quantity as the pace ‘speed’, direction (distance) and timing (time) is not well defined as in a relationship wherein in the pace, direction and timeline as well as boundaries are well established.
    At the point of dating, there is just an attraction beyond friends that both parties are trying to explore, hence there is not exclusiveness as we have in relationship. This implies that it is technically not wrong for either parties at the dating stage to go on dates with other parties as it is expected that there would several attractions both parties will share with people of opposite sex that is worthy of exploring.
    3) it is only after successfully passing through the dating stage that one can progress to the relationship phase; Here all parameters are well defined. I mean the is prefect understanding of the direction, and exclusiveness for both parties.

    Finally, I dare to say that anything short of the process described above would be ephemeral and would possible die/ burnout naturally. Also ladies please obtain clarity when a guy ‘ask you out’ as to if he is asking for a date or a relationship so as to clearly understand the stage you are in with a guy and if a guy is trying to play a maradona stunt in evading a phase!

    • Reply

      Temitoria

      January 27, 2018

      Awesome Thank you so much Awala for such detailed comment. And finally someone differentiates between dating and relationship. Good insight too.
      Hope to see more of you here

  4. Reply

    Oluwatobi

    January 27, 2018

    Hi Temi,
    Just read this now.
    Thought provoking I must say and also funny.
    When is the right time then to pop the “What are we” question?
    So you don’t get strung along for nothing??

    • Reply

      Temitoria

      January 27, 2018

      Thanks Tobi A lot of people have been asking that question and I think I should do a post about it after my research ☺️

  5. Reply

    Me

    January 25, 2018

    Interesting read Temi! In fact, recently, I have been pondering on this a lot: when is the right time to pop the “where are we going” question. You know? It must not be too early lest you abort something that is not even fully formed yet, and it must not be too late because what if both of you are not on the same page and you find out you have been auditioning for another lady’s role all your life (well, for the most part atleast)? Sigh! God help us! Maybe I will get my thoughts together on this and make a proper post, maybe not. That said, thank you for this post. It resonates! <3

    • Reply

      Temitoria

      January 25, 2018

      Awwww, great minds think alike. Lol! Its tricky though but I’m sure there is a right time depending on the nature of the relationship. You’re inspiring me to do something about your thoughts but would love a great read from you. Thanks for stopping by.

  6. Reply

    Marcus

    January 25, 2018

    Beautiful post Temitoria!
    Truth is, sometimes we get carried away and assume but it takes the other person to speak up and define the relationship. Sometimes, we are just too scared to lose the other person that we are afraid to define the relationship maybe because we feel we aren’t deserving of them.
    Have i been in such situation before? Yes! How did i deal with it? I was naive and younger so i gave in but i was quick to pull out of the relationship thankfully without any regrets.

    • Reply

      Temitoria

      January 25, 2018

      Wow Marcus, fear can be an issue but its better to define your relationships from the onset. Yes, ladies also put guys in this awkward position too. God help us all. Thank you for stopping by.

  7. Reply

    Cece_snoww

    January 25, 2018

    This is indeed what happens in most relationships. Knowing your grounds and where you stand is very important in every situations, relationship or everyday life. Regardless of meeting each others parents, there are some procedures that is believed, a man should take even if he has seen a vision that the woman is his spouse.
    I certainly have encountered same situation when i was introduced as the “Wife” of my so called “Boyfriend” that never officially asked me out lol. I guess he assumed that after the first date we had, i was officially hooked to him. I literally ran for my life… lol

    • Reply

      Temitoria

      January 25, 2018

      Just like that, Lol! Wife indeed. Thanks for stopping by Cynthia. *hugs*

  8. Reply

    Sade Aboyade-Cole

    January 25, 2018

    This is so true!!! Omg especially in Nig. During my time in Unilag, waaaaay too many boys tried to do this to me, one even went as far as telling anyone who cared to listen that I was his girlfriend and that he had met my family(when??) because he happened to meet my sister the SAME day he met me ‍♀️‍♀️.

    • Reply

      Temitoria

      January 25, 2018

      Na wa oh! Your sister is the whole family now, Lol! Thanks for stopping by Sade! *Dancing for you*

  9. Reply

    Beingzoe

    January 24, 2018

    LOL…..This is so funny yet it helps to put our head together! I had a similar experience, the meet my parent part is the most annoying..then the part that got me to sit him down before the walk out was when he said “act like a wife material so my mum will love you, you have to be cooking for me and cleaning the house, that’s Yoruba culture”….Thank God for immediate wisdom to know when the devil is about to trap one 🙂

    • Reply

      Temitoria

      January 25, 2018

      Loooool!!!! Your experience is hilarious. So you were almost scammed. Thank God for Wisdom. Thanks sis!

  10. Reply

    Naomi Destiny

    January 23, 2018

    Lmao at ‘they were even trying to pick the job I’ll do when I enter their house’. I can’t imagine myself going through all that… After I discover the relationship isn’t what I thought it is, I may just finish him like mortal combat would say…

    Your experience brings a valuable lesson to all those dating and those hoping to date someday. I haven’t had a weird experience like this but I have had my heart broken before, so I can still relate. Thank you for sharing!

    NAOMIDESTINY.COM

    • Reply

      Temitoria

      January 25, 2018

      You understand right? Its good to know where you’re both heading before he corners you. Thanks for reading. You’re the best!

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Temitoria
Lagos Nigeria

Hi there! I'm a Blogger and a Digital Marketer. I'm tickled about creating content. I love music that puts me in a reflective mood. Plantain is bae. I'll like to one day overcome my fear of height by jumping off a plane. I love building relationships. This blog is where I have fun creating content that inspire lives. Stick around...

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